So I tried a singles ward for the first time today. I have never been too excited to go to a singles ward but I have really been feeling like my home ward isn't the place I should be. I went with a good friend to her singles ward and I really enjoyed it a lot. Maybe it is my poor outlook on my home ward, but I got so much more out of this church service than I have from my home ward.
In relief society something really touched me. There is a new presidency that got called and the new relief society president was teaching about unity. She shared a story that really touched me. There was a woman who was on vacation and at the beach with her family. They were enjoying a nice day together and looked down the beach to see this group of men running in the water. As the group got closer they realized that it was a group of Navy Seals training. As this woman watched these men running she saw that for the most part they were all strong and sticking together. At the back of the group she noticed a young man who looked like he was ready to cry. She said that it just looked like at any moment he was going to give up because he just couldn't do it anymore. Right as this man was about to give up two of the other men came and picked him up and carried him. The woman had said that it seemed to be as if these men had said, "You are not failing."
I was really touched by that story. Never give up or leave someone behind. Sometimes we are those strong ones that can carry our struggling friend and sometimes we are the one that just can't go another step. What a wonderful thing to know that your friends won't let you fail. I wish I was more like that I kind of friend.
I have been thinking a lot about how I don't like certain qualities or attitudes in myself. I wonder why sometimes it seems as if I can handle everything and then at other times I can't handle much of anything. Should I be friends with people simply because they benefit me? What am I willing to do for someone who is of no benefit to me? For someone that actually drags me instead of lifts me? Should I stay friends with these people? What if I can be the influence to help them but I am too selfish and focus too much on what they do for me instead of what I do for them. Hard things to face.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Africa
I am going back to America in three days and I have such mixed emotions. I have been looking back on this experience wondering how Africa has changed me. To be honest this trip has been really hard for me. There have been many times where I thought the day to go home couldn't come soon enough. Now that the time is here, I just feel so conflicted, especially the more I see what life is like for the kids I am leaving. I wonder who will love them when we aren't here? Who will tell them they are worth something and won't give up on them? Who will protect them and fight for them? It just breaks my heart. These kids are viewed so poorly and told that they will never amount to anything. They are so abused in every way possible that it just makes me sick. And guess what I get to do? I get to go back to my mansion in America with food beyond belief. I get to go home to a family that loves me and tells me so all of the time. I get to return to an education and opportunities and friends. It seems so unfair that I should have so much when they have so little, when all they really want is to be loved. All they need is someone to believe in them and that they are worth something. I have had that my whole life and yet I still complain that I don't have enough or that things aren't fair. I have never really thought of myself as a selfish and self-centered person until now. I have so much and yet I blatantly ignore the millions of mercies God has given me in my life to complain about the stupid little things I think I deserve. Don't these kids deserve everything I have?
I don't know why I got so lucky in life, but one thing is for certain I want to live worthy of every blessing I enjoy. I don't know why I was born in America and these kids were born in Africa but I know that I can do them the honor of living up to my circumstances and making the most of the amazing life I have been blessed with rather than focusing on what I don't have. I want to look back on my life and be worthy of it. So in thinking back Africa has changed me it has made me want to be worthy of my blessings and that is probably one of the greatest gifts this beautiful land and people could have ever given me.
I don't know why I got so lucky in life, but one thing is for certain I want to live worthy of every blessing I enjoy. I don't know why I was born in America and these kids were born in Africa but I know that I can do them the honor of living up to my circumstances and making the most of the amazing life I have been blessed with rather than focusing on what I don't have. I want to look back on my life and be worthy of it. So in thinking back Africa has changed me it has made me want to be worthy of my blessings and that is probably one of the greatest gifts this beautiful land and people could have ever given me.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
The Temple
I went to the temple for the first time in four months this weekend. I had been putting off going to the temple and just got so busy that too much time passed. Now I have been in Africa for six weeks and to be honest it has kind of been a struggle. I got sick and had some personal freak out moments. I have been stressed thinking about everything else that I need to handle in my life and I have been weighed down. I have felt really crappy about myself while I have been here in Africa and on top of it we have a lot more free time than I ever had at home and that has just left me with more time to bash on myself. So I was really looking forward to the temple in hopes that it would rejuvinate and enliven me again.
Walking into the temple was one of the best experiences. It was such a contrast from the outside world. Everything here in Ghana is sooooo dirty. They literally toss their trash where ever, use the side of the road as a bathroom, and burn all of their trash. Walking into the temple, it was so...clean. I almost felt like I didn't belong because I had spent an hour and a half in a cramped tro tro with dirt flying in my face to get to the temple. But the minute I got there the workers let me know that is where they wanted me to be.
I got to do some initiatory while the rest of my group did baptisms. The temple was busy and I just got to sit there for a while. It was the best feeling ever. To just be sitting there in this cool, peaceful, clean place all dressed in white. You know what I noticed as I was sitting there? It was quiet, completely quiet. I did not realize it until that moment, but I have not had a quiet moment the whole time I have been here. There are always noises and at night there are the millions of bugs and the chorus of frogs constantly going. But sitting there in the temple it was completely quiet. I don't think the temple has ever been such a contrast from the outside world as it was for me at that moment.
Then as I sat there and thought, I realized that this was home for me and would be more like home for me than any other place. This is what my soul had been longing to experience and feel but I didn't know it until that moment when I was sitting there and experience the temple. It was just so powerful and overwhelming for me. How could I have not realized that this is what I had needed all along? How could I have forgotten what my home was like? Then I realized that it was because I had spent so much time in the world thinking that it was my home and trying to remember what the temple was like without really going there.
Then I thought of all of the people that I care so deeply about and how much I want them to go to the temple and feel as I did then. I realized that some of them had been spending so much time out in the dirty noisy world that they had forgotten or never even experienced the joy of the temple. They didn't know that is what they needed and they wouldn't know it until they were there.
As I was reading my emails today a great thing happened. One of those people that I love so much that has been working towards coming back to the temple for years now finally got to go back. I have prayed so much for him and his family and that he would never give up on going back to the temple, because I knew that is where he belonged. Reading that email was really emotional for me and I can't wait until I get back to America so that I can talk to him and tell him how proud I am that he never gave up, because now he is finally home.
What a blessing the temple is! And how little I take advantage and realize it. I hope that I never forget where my real home is and that I do whatever is needed to keep going there.
Walking into the temple was one of the best experiences. It was such a contrast from the outside world. Everything here in Ghana is sooooo dirty. They literally toss their trash where ever, use the side of the road as a bathroom, and burn all of their trash. Walking into the temple, it was so...clean. I almost felt like I didn't belong because I had spent an hour and a half in a cramped tro tro with dirt flying in my face to get to the temple. But the minute I got there the workers let me know that is where they wanted me to be.
I got to do some initiatory while the rest of my group did baptisms. The temple was busy and I just got to sit there for a while. It was the best feeling ever. To just be sitting there in this cool, peaceful, clean place all dressed in white. You know what I noticed as I was sitting there? It was quiet, completely quiet. I did not realize it until that moment, but I have not had a quiet moment the whole time I have been here. There are always noises and at night there are the millions of bugs and the chorus of frogs constantly going. But sitting there in the temple it was completely quiet. I don't think the temple has ever been such a contrast from the outside world as it was for me at that moment.
Then as I sat there and thought, I realized that this was home for me and would be more like home for me than any other place. This is what my soul had been longing to experience and feel but I didn't know it until that moment when I was sitting there and experience the temple. It was just so powerful and overwhelming for me. How could I have not realized that this is what I had needed all along? How could I have forgotten what my home was like? Then I realized that it was because I had spent so much time in the world thinking that it was my home and trying to remember what the temple was like without really going there.
Then I thought of all of the people that I care so deeply about and how much I want them to go to the temple and feel as I did then. I realized that some of them had been spending so much time out in the dirty noisy world that they had forgotten or never even experienced the joy of the temple. They didn't know that is what they needed and they wouldn't know it until they were there.
As I was reading my emails today a great thing happened. One of those people that I love so much that has been working towards coming back to the temple for years now finally got to go back. I have prayed so much for him and his family and that he would never give up on going back to the temple, because I knew that is where he belonged. Reading that email was really emotional for me and I can't wait until I get back to America so that I can talk to him and tell him how proud I am that he never gave up, because now he is finally home.
What a blessing the temple is! And how little I take advantage and realize it. I hope that I never forget where my real home is and that I do whatever is needed to keep going there.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
The Life Changing Semester
As the semester has been winding down, I have been thinking a lot. This has kind of been a momentous semester, a LOT has happened. So I was thinking about what exactly had happened. I decided that it is good to look back at where I have been to see where I am now. If I don't do that, I will probably think that I haven't gotten any where in life. So here are my reflections on what has happened this semester.
First, and foremost, my friend told me that he struggles with same gender attraction. It happened at the beginning of the semester and if he hadn't told me, I can't even begin to comprehend how different this semester would have been for me.
For one thing, if my friend had never told me he struggles with same gender attraction, I would have never learned about a million and one things. A lot of those things that I have learned were about myself. I learned that we all have our struggles. We all have things that we are ashamed of and don't want anyone to find out about. We hide theses things and live in fear of them and it only wounds and hurts us.
When my friend told me about his struggles I realized that I had a lot of deep hidden wounds that I had never healed from because I was so busy trying to cover them up in the deepest darkest pit of my soul. These wounds have been there for a long time and have come to the surface for brief moments, but for maybe the second time ever, I confronted them and was actually able to start healing. These wounds have hurt me so much that I have hated myself for a long time. Now looking back I realize that these things don't need to define me. I actually feel good about myself. Not to say that I don't beat up on myself a lot, but my life is a million times better.
Another thing I learned from my friend's struggles is just how much the Lord loves and cares about His children. I mean I had felt that before, especially on my mission, but that night my friend shared his burden with me, I felt-in one of the most powerful ways ever-how much the Lord loves him. That love sent me on a search of trying to understand more. I read In Quiet Desperation(which I LOVE!), attended a Matis fireside, had dozens of talks with people, and from it all I was able to see just how truly valuable EACH and EVERY person is to our Heavenly Father and how much He wants them to return to Him.
This love helped me to deal with the other things that happened this semester. I had a roommate sleep with her boyfriend and get pregnant. Another roommate of mine had to deal with her fiancee's brother committing suicide. Yet another roommate got married and I ended up in charge of the reception.
Then I ended up working with a severely autistic kid at work. No one else wanted this kid and felt that he was too hard to work with. When he came to us, all of his previous staff were more than happy to see him gone. I remember distinctly a weekend when I was overwhelmed with all of the stuff going on with my roommates and then having this kid to work with. I was sitting in sacrament praying for a greater capacity of love. I had found that I was starting to get bitter and frustrated with the people around me. I wasn't even thinking about the kids I work with, but something precious happened. A guy in my ward sang, "A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief". Throughout the song I was thinking of my roommates and how I needed to love them more. Then on the last verse of the song I distinctly saw this autistic boy I work with. His beautiful face was there before me and in his eyes I distinctly saw the Savior. I don't know how to describe it, but in him I saw the Savior. It was a very sacred experience for me. Every time I look into this boy's eyes I see something pure...something holy.
Thus, I never could have helped any of these people to the extent that I have(not to say that I have done a lot for them) if my friend had not told me about his struggles with same gender attraction. I am sure that I would have found a way to love these people, but not on this level.
Tonight, I went to a fireside with my family. Something the speaker said really stuck out to me. He talked about who we were in the pre-existence. He talked about our relationships with each other from before. He mentioned that we had probably agreed to find each other here. He said that some of us had probably agreed to come to certain circumstance because our friends had promised to find us. I thought about my friend the struggler. Now, I am not trying to say that I understand why he struggles with same gender attraction or anyone does for that matter. And the thoughts I had could be completely wrong, but oh well. Anyway, the thought came to my mind was that my friend had said he would struggle with same gender attraction because it was the best way for some of us to learn how to really love and become the person that the Lord needs and wants us to be. I especially saw how that was true for me. Now when you think about it, how cool is that?! Can you imagine having someone care about you that much that they are willing to have trials and struggles so that from associating with them you could become the person that Lord would have you be?
Now I know that those who have struggles and trials have them because they change them into who the Lord would have them be, but I just got this distinct impression that some of the people in my life have the trials they do because it helps me to be a better person by being around them. I could never become who I need to be without the people I associate with. And for me this past semester I could have never become more of the person I want and need to be if my friend hadn't taken a chance by sharing his struggle with me.
As I look back, I realize a lot of other things happened to me this semester as well, I even had my first real breakup with a boy! But of all the emotions and drama of this semester, what I got most all started with my friend the struggler, and in the end it all comes back to him. I am a better sister, daugther, and friend because of him. I was able to learn from experience, things that years of studying could have never taught me. Without him I would have never have experienced and known love on the level I do now and I would have missed out on one of the greatest friendships ever. So, thank you struggler, you will never know all the good that you have done for me.
First, and foremost, my friend told me that he struggles with same gender attraction. It happened at the beginning of the semester and if he hadn't told me, I can't even begin to comprehend how different this semester would have been for me.
For one thing, if my friend had never told me he struggles with same gender attraction, I would have never learned about a million and one things. A lot of those things that I have learned were about myself. I learned that we all have our struggles. We all have things that we are ashamed of and don't want anyone to find out about. We hide theses things and live in fear of them and it only wounds and hurts us.
When my friend told me about his struggles I realized that I had a lot of deep hidden wounds that I had never healed from because I was so busy trying to cover them up in the deepest darkest pit of my soul. These wounds have been there for a long time and have come to the surface for brief moments, but for maybe the second time ever, I confronted them and was actually able to start healing. These wounds have hurt me so much that I have hated myself for a long time. Now looking back I realize that these things don't need to define me. I actually feel good about myself. Not to say that I don't beat up on myself a lot, but my life is a million times better.
Another thing I learned from my friend's struggles is just how much the Lord loves and cares about His children. I mean I had felt that before, especially on my mission, but that night my friend shared his burden with me, I felt-in one of the most powerful ways ever-how much the Lord loves him. That love sent me on a search of trying to understand more. I read In Quiet Desperation(which I LOVE!), attended a Matis fireside, had dozens of talks with people, and from it all I was able to see just how truly valuable EACH and EVERY person is to our Heavenly Father and how much He wants them to return to Him.
This love helped me to deal with the other things that happened this semester. I had a roommate sleep with her boyfriend and get pregnant. Another roommate of mine had to deal with her fiancee's brother committing suicide. Yet another roommate got married and I ended up in charge of the reception.
Then I ended up working with a severely autistic kid at work. No one else wanted this kid and felt that he was too hard to work with. When he came to us, all of his previous staff were more than happy to see him gone. I remember distinctly a weekend when I was overwhelmed with all of the stuff going on with my roommates and then having this kid to work with. I was sitting in sacrament praying for a greater capacity of love. I had found that I was starting to get bitter and frustrated with the people around me. I wasn't even thinking about the kids I work with, but something precious happened. A guy in my ward sang, "A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief". Throughout the song I was thinking of my roommates and how I needed to love them more. Then on the last verse of the song I distinctly saw this autistic boy I work with. His beautiful face was there before me and in his eyes I distinctly saw the Savior. I don't know how to describe it, but in him I saw the Savior. It was a very sacred experience for me. Every time I look into this boy's eyes I see something pure...something holy.
Thus, I never could have helped any of these people to the extent that I have(not to say that I have done a lot for them) if my friend had not told me about his struggles with same gender attraction. I am sure that I would have found a way to love these people, but not on this level.
Tonight, I went to a fireside with my family. Something the speaker said really stuck out to me. He talked about who we were in the pre-existence. He talked about our relationships with each other from before. He mentioned that we had probably agreed to find each other here. He said that some of us had probably agreed to come to certain circumstance because our friends had promised to find us. I thought about my friend the struggler. Now, I am not trying to say that I understand why he struggles with same gender attraction or anyone does for that matter. And the thoughts I had could be completely wrong, but oh well. Anyway, the thought came to my mind was that my friend had said he would struggle with same gender attraction because it was the best way for some of us to learn how to really love and become the person that the Lord needs and wants us to be. I especially saw how that was true for me. Now when you think about it, how cool is that?! Can you imagine having someone care about you that much that they are willing to have trials and struggles so that from associating with them you could become the person that Lord would have you be?
Now I know that those who have struggles and trials have them because they change them into who the Lord would have them be, but I just got this distinct impression that some of the people in my life have the trials they do because it helps me to be a better person by being around them. I could never become who I need to be without the people I associate with. And for me this past semester I could have never become more of the person I want and need to be if my friend hadn't taken a chance by sharing his struggle with me.
As I look back, I realize a lot of other things happened to me this semester as well, I even had my first real breakup with a boy! But of all the emotions and drama of this semester, what I got most all started with my friend the struggler, and in the end it all comes back to him. I am a better sister, daugther, and friend because of him. I was able to learn from experience, things that years of studying could have never taught me. Without him I would have never have experienced and known love on the level I do now and I would have missed out on one of the greatest friendships ever. So, thank you struggler, you will never know all the good that you have done for me.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Happy Birthday
Today is my birthday. Normally I hate my birthday. To me there is nothing exciting about celebrating me. I don't like being in the spotlight and normally birthdays just make me feel depressed. Not to say that I haven't had good birthdays, but for the most part I would rather just avoid them at all costs.
But today has been different. Yesterday was a wonderful day and then today was just, yeah...really great. I went to work this morning and really that is what has made all the difference in my life. I work in a post-high school work training program for special ed kids. These kids are amazing and give me meaning to get up every morning.
Well at work when it is someone's birthday the kids all make cards for that person. Then they go around the room and tell something nice about that person. Well for one their cards were so cute! Then they went around the room and shared something nice about me. I don't like being in the spotlight and I feel uncomfortable getting so many compliments, but it was the nicest thing ever! These kids are so innocent and pure. I had to smile to keep from crying. After Monday and feeling that I really wasn't worth much to anyone, I have just been showered with love and support. Then I go to work and these kids change my life. Really how can I ever think that my life is overwhelming or that I am not blessed beyond measure?
One of the things that struck me most today was the kindness of someone that I work with. There has been this new guy, who has only been working at my job for a week. He works with one of the kids that I have become very attached to, so we have talked a lot. Well today this guy asked me what I was doing for my birthday. I told him I didn't have any plans but school and homework. So he said that was no fun so he would take me out for dinner. I thought that was pretty nice, but that wasn't the end to this guy's kindness. As the kids were going around later telling something nice about me, it came to this kid that the new guy has been working with. This kid is severely autistic and can't really communicate but this new guy at work said that if this kid could talk he would say how kind and nice I am. Then later when the staff members I work with were going around and saying something nice about me, this same guy then proceeds to say some of the nicest things about me. I was just so flabbergasted. This guy was just so sincere, and meant everything that he said, and he has only known me a week! That combined with everything else that everyone was saying was just kind of overwhelming for me.
I don't know what to do with such kindness that has been shown to me the past few days. Like I said, I don't know why I ever complain or feel that my life is too much. Why when I am so blessed do I ever feel that I can't do what I need?
But today has been different. Yesterday was a wonderful day and then today was just, yeah...really great. I went to work this morning and really that is what has made all the difference in my life. I work in a post-high school work training program for special ed kids. These kids are amazing and give me meaning to get up every morning.
Well at work when it is someone's birthday the kids all make cards for that person. Then they go around the room and tell something nice about that person. Well for one their cards were so cute! Then they went around the room and shared something nice about me. I don't like being in the spotlight and I feel uncomfortable getting so many compliments, but it was the nicest thing ever! These kids are so innocent and pure. I had to smile to keep from crying. After Monday and feeling that I really wasn't worth much to anyone, I have just been showered with love and support. Then I go to work and these kids change my life. Really how can I ever think that my life is overwhelming or that I am not blessed beyond measure?
One of the things that struck me most today was the kindness of someone that I work with. There has been this new guy, who has only been working at my job for a week. He works with one of the kids that I have become very attached to, so we have talked a lot. Well today this guy asked me what I was doing for my birthday. I told him I didn't have any plans but school and homework. So he said that was no fun so he would take me out for dinner. I thought that was pretty nice, but that wasn't the end to this guy's kindness. As the kids were going around later telling something nice about me, it came to this kid that the new guy has been working with. This kid is severely autistic and can't really communicate but this new guy at work said that if this kid could talk he would say how kind and nice I am. Then later when the staff members I work with were going around and saying something nice about me, this same guy then proceeds to say some of the nicest things about me. I was just so flabbergasted. This guy was just so sincere, and meant everything that he said, and he has only known me a week! That combined with everything else that everyone was saying was just kind of overwhelming for me.
I don't know what to do with such kindness that has been shown to me the past few days. Like I said, I don't know why I ever complain or feel that my life is too much. Why when I am so blessed do I ever feel that I can't do what I need?
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Tender Mercies
I have a friend who struggles with same-gender attraction. He started an anonymous blog to share his thoughts. I have read his blog and a bunch of his friends that are strugglers too. I have really liked the idea of having a place to share my thoughts that has a little more anonymity. Sometimes we just need a place to put down our thoughts, so I decided do start my own blog! It will probably be more for myself, and maybe I will start to share it with people...but for now here I go!
The first thing that I wanted to talk about was a flower. You may wonder why I talk of a flower, but it isn't just any flower it is this flower:
Now this flower probably means nothing to you, but it means a great deal to me. My freshman year at BYU I would walk in between
the MOA and the HFAC almost everyday to get to class. Day in and day out I walked this same route and one day something happened, spring. I saw a tree that had these beautiful magnolias blooming on it and I have been in love ever since. I don't know why these flowers fascinated me so much, but they did. Every year since then I tried to make an annual pilgrimage to see these flowers bloom.
Well time has gone on, I have gone on a mission and come home. It has been many years since my freshman year at BYU and to be honest, these precious little flowers were forgotten. Then today as I was walking home, which never happens because I always drive to class, I ended up in the neighborhoods south of campus taking a random path back to my apartment. As I was walking along all of a sudden I saw a tree that was just barely starting to bloom. At first glance it was just a nice reminder of spring, but then I realized that these flowers were none other than the beautiful magnolias that I would make my annual pilgrimage to see!
Now this may be one of those things where you say, "So what? Big deal." But to me...they are a tender mercy from a loving Father in Heaven. They are a reminder that I am not forgotten and that there is one who will never take His love away from me, no matter what.
See, yesterday I had a break down. I just felt so overwhelmed. It seemed to me like there was no way that I could handle all of the things that I needed to do. I measured myself yesterday and found myself lacking on every front. I felt horrible and didn't know how I would be able to get everything done that I needed to.
I talked to my best friend who started to help me realize that I need to take better care of myself. Then later that evening my friend, the struggler, took me on a long drive and let me talk. I was able to share my load with those who have always been there to share my burdens. There kindness still brings tears to my eyes. I have always known that these people were amazing but there simple act of being willing to listen to me and just to volunteer their help were overwhelming. Just thinking about it fills my eyes with tears.
After talking to my friend last night and eating a milk shake(they always make things better), I felt better able to handle things. Then today I have just felt like I really can do everything. It is not that any of the demands on me changed, but I am more than certain that my capacity increased. As I was walking around on campus today I thought of why that was. Then, as I was walking home it all came together in that flower. I have people watching over me that love me, and because of them my capacity is increased.
I know that not only will these people listen to me when I break down, but they pray for me. I think of my parents who constantly think of me and offer sincere prayers in my behalf. Then I see that flower, and I remember that more than just my family and friends here, I have a Father in Heaven who worries over me. Not only my Father but my elder brother, the Savior, both worry over me. They want me to succeed. They love me even if I can't do everything. Even if I don't do well on a test or write the best paper. It doesn't matter because they will not take their love away from me. That is what that little flower represents to me. A reminder, that when I don't feel like I can do it, I can. A symbol that when things don't go the way I want them to, there is someone who will never leave me. It is a shining beacon that to someone, I am worth loving and fighting for. An expression, that to someone I am worth never giving up on and that I am someone worth having. So to you it may be just a flower, but to me...it means everything.
The first thing that I wanted to talk about was a flower. You may wonder why I talk of a flower, but it isn't just any flower it is this flower:
Now this flower probably means nothing to you, but it means a great deal to me. My freshman year at BYU I would walk in between
the MOA and the HFAC almost everyday to get to class. Day in and day out I walked this same route and one day something happened, spring. I saw a tree that had these beautiful magnolias blooming on it and I have been in love ever since. I don't know why these flowers fascinated me so much, but they did. Every year since then I tried to make an annual pilgrimage to see these flowers bloom.Well time has gone on, I have gone on a mission and come home. It has been many years since my freshman year at BYU and to be honest, these precious little flowers were forgotten. Then today as I was walking home, which never happens because I always drive to class, I ended up in the neighborhoods south of campus taking a random path back to my apartment. As I was walking along all of a sudden I saw a tree that was just barely starting to bloom. At first glance it was just a nice reminder of spring, but then I realized that these flowers were none other than the beautiful magnolias that I would make my annual pilgrimage to see!
Now this may be one of those things where you say, "So what? Big deal." But to me...they are a tender mercy from a loving Father in Heaven. They are a reminder that I am not forgotten and that there is one who will never take His love away from me, no matter what.
See, yesterday I had a break down. I just felt so overwhelmed. It seemed to me like there was no way that I could handle all of the things that I needed to do. I measured myself yesterday and found myself lacking on every front. I felt horrible and didn't know how I would be able to get everything done that I needed to.
I talked to my best friend who started to help me realize that I need to take better care of myself. Then later that evening my friend, the struggler, took me on a long drive and let me talk. I was able to share my load with those who have always been there to share my burdens. There kindness still brings tears to my eyes. I have always known that these people were amazing but there simple act of being willing to listen to me and just to volunteer their help were overwhelming. Just thinking about it fills my eyes with tears.
After talking to my friend last night and eating a milk shake(they always make things better), I felt better able to handle things. Then today I have just felt like I really can do everything. It is not that any of the demands on me changed, but I am more than certain that my capacity increased. As I was walking around on campus today I thought of why that was. Then, as I was walking home it all came together in that flower. I have people watching over me that love me, and because of them my capacity is increased.
I know that not only will these people listen to me when I break down, but they pray for me. I think of my parents who constantly think of me and offer sincere prayers in my behalf. Then I see that flower, and I remember that more than just my family and friends here, I have a Father in Heaven who worries over me. Not only my Father but my elder brother, the Savior, both worry over me. They want me to succeed. They love me even if I can't do everything. Even if I don't do well on a test or write the best paper. It doesn't matter because they will not take their love away from me. That is what that little flower represents to me. A reminder, that when I don't feel like I can do it, I can. A symbol that when things don't go the way I want them to, there is someone who will never leave me. It is a shining beacon that to someone, I am worth loving and fighting for. An expression, that to someone I am worth never giving up on and that I am someone worth having. So to you it may be just a flower, but to me...it means everything.
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